Breakthroughs...

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Thanks to a dear friend I have just started reading THIS book. It is, as warned; amazing, heart wrenching, thought provoking and completely encouraging.

I was called while reading to just write. To forgo the worry of complete sentences, perfectly built paragraphs; to be real, to share my thoughts.

Growing up for the most part "in the church" I felt the need to look, act and think a certain way. For me this was to avoid conflict, judgement and because at times it was easier in that specific circle.
It was not until I was saved that this all changed however some habits die hard.

The overwhelming need was not necessarily fit in but to have company, to not be alone. I still struggle with this. Very much so. What an emotional journey.

My journey is one that I am thankful is not over yet. My God shaped hole is part of who I am. We all have holes but what we do with those holes makes you who you are in that time, in that place. I have been a few different women since my entrance into the world on a hot August morning in 1979. I would like to at some point soon look in the mirror and know without a doubt that I am who I am, where I am suppose to be and using my God given talents just the way He wants me to and completely fulfilled, happy, me. Is that possible? I sure as hell hope so.

I desire to shed the "must be and say what everyone wants me to" and bloom into the "who cares I am me and I love her" soon. Very soon. 

This book has challenged me in the first 2 chapters more than I could have ever imagined and now I write. I write so that I do not forget. I write to inspire myself, to inspire you...

Think of the true, amazing and deep relationships in your life... did you get those amazing relationships by hiding you? Did you get them with shallow conversation? Did you get them by hiding what is really on your heart and on your mind? Did you get them by acting a way that you thought would get you accepted?

As I sit here with a new "For Sale" sign on my homes front lawn and no neighbors to have said "we will be sad to see you go" I ponder the relationships that I have made here over the last few years. Was I real here, did I open up here? Do I have an overwhelming desire to run away to another state another town because people do not like me for me or did I not give them me?

Do I do it for protection?
Do I do it to avoid judgement?
Do I do it because at times its just easier to adapt to your environment and those around you?

All I know is that I have one heck of an amazing creator. I know he knows what he was doing when he created me and that he has awesome plans for my life if I would just let Him take the reigns more than once in a while.